Remember the days when you wake up in the morning with a smile in your face? That feeling when you finally wanted to step out of the sun and reach the dreams you have in your sleep. Those were the years you spent writing, visualizing, dreaming about the day you could finally fulfill the dreams you have ever since you were a child. Everyday seems so magical, everyday seems adventurous, and you can’t wait for that moment to come. That moment when all those hardships were all paid off.
As those time passes by your life becomes stagnant. It’s just there, you just exist in the world where everybody is floating, and everybody has their own lives. It’s like blinking your eye in a second and your best friend is getting married, your classmate now owns his/her business, your old pal is having a baby, your closest friend is now a celebrity. Everybody is moving forward, except you. You’re just there, camouflaging. You were quite okay, because you’re better than yesterday but sometimes you can’t get out of your bed because you were drowning in your own tears.
You tried. I know you tried escaping from your fears. I know you would say that at the back of your head that you did what you can do. You did all the possibilities to reach it and you were lovely. Standing there with a smile on your face, achieving what you can in your own little way, and even if you fail you still have that smile of positivity and telling yourself that all you have to do is to believe. So what if I fail I know it would make me a better and stronger person and you did! You are stronger from before.
Reality bites big time, because here you are staring the four corners of your room thinking what went wrong. From those smiles you have, worries came. That feeling of being alone haunts you like a ghost of the past. You wonder, you ask, you over thinked, “Why did you became so different from everybody else?”, “Why in the world did you take this path of the so called unknown?”, “Am I going to be like this for the rest of my life?” “Unsuccessful? Unworthy? The talk of the town? That child who brings sorrows to her parents?” You filed yourself with so many dreams that once in your life you have never felt it alive.
The life you dreamed of was the opposite of what you have. You struggle to live in peoples expectations. Resume’s scattered on the floor, your age from the very first time you applied grew bigger and bigger and it was unstoppable. You focused your eyes on reading job hunts on your computer and submitting every possible careers that you could possibly fit into but the business world doesn’t qualify you. Words of people surrounding you stabbed you in the back as if you’re a worthless street rat who could never go on with her life. The inferiorities of all superiorities, the sickness of the community, the failure that could never be brought up.
And then with the sadness harming your heart into pieces you reached your phone and all you could do was to call that person who could fully understand you because once upon a time you two had met. It may be in a different crossroads but faith had brought you in this path of struggles. That someone who could make you feel important. Someone who cheers on to you even if the whole world doesn’t, someone who supports you in all possible cost giving that smile in her face telling you do not worry. You would laugh for hours hearing the stories she could give you or hearing her tears as she tells you horrible her phases in life is, or how you both look into each other’s eye and tell each other we’re going to make it through. Even if sometimes you guys don’t know where to start. That acceptance; that once in your life you are okay, you are yourself, no one is judging you for your flaws; you feel the love that no one could ever give. Even just for a few hours or so you were fine.
But sometimes it was never enough, you wake up in an estranged world of heartache. It’s banging inside your head. The memory of pain that night was definitely wearisome. And then you screamed with anger inside your heart “What’s wrong with you? Couldn’t you get a grip? Why are you such a failure? How would you surpass this if you yourself don’t believe you could never do it!? You’re just like what they think you are”
I tell you be still my friend. Don’t lose it. Cause look at me I am still okay and I am quite running my dreams. I do understand every single bit of what you are feeling. I was there, I have been there and I am still there. I have make stupid decisions in life, I have cried like a river, I have woken up with so much pain in my heart, I have felt that emptiness that no one could ever understand but in this life we should get through this. We all have our moments, our own regrets, our own mistakes, but don’t hate yourself just because your phase is slower than the others.
Be positive. Be that girl who used to dream that she’s going to marry a prince. Don’t stop singing the song on every shooting star you see. Don’t stop travelling in those fairytale dreams. Be as awesome as Natalie Portman! Or as tough as Serena Williams! Or as kind hearted like Angelina Jolie and marry your own Brad Pitt (or maybe someone like a Lee Minho or a Zac Efron!) or be Like our Ms. Universe who never stopped believing in her dreams! You go girl! :D You might fall tons of time or might not get there, but don’t stop!
There is so much that the world could offer. It’s a beautiful place and it’s waiting for you to make it all happen. You still have books on your shelf that you could read. More stairs to take. You even haven’t lived half of your life kiddo. Don’t over think too much. Don’t waste your time in drinking your pain away. There’s so much ahead of you. Look at you right now, you are blessed. Enjoy those simple things. Don’t waste it by all those self indulgent, heart sucking pain, sadness and those boundaries that you’re not supposed to touch. Use happiness everyday. It’s okay to be alone, because you need that to be a better person, but not to the extent of never going back again.
We are all struggling! And that’s not a bad thing. We’re humans. Do the simple things in life. Read a dictionary. Write poetries. Go to museums. Take photos. Go on workshops. Study.Breathe. Be thankful. Enjoy yourself. Go fashion designing. Take a leap and take chances. Don’t be afraid unless it’s conjuring! Enjoy the food on the table as if it’s going to be your last. Don’t over think about why? How? What? When? Just relax and go with the life’s flow. Its okay to make mistakes lose yourself, but not too loose. And lastly its okay to fail. It’s okay to cross those roads. Whatever that dreams you build in your heart, keep it close to you. It’s that fuel that keeps your life going. You deserve to be happy. You are a one brave fella. You’ll never know what the next day would offer. J
You should enjoy this ride! You’ll be fine!
And for the record you’re neither on your 30s nor on your 50’s!! So be cool! Make the best memories with your love ones and friends! :)