Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Story 2017

I was about to end my life again, but an angel save me.

I was on the depth of my sadness and I want it to end so much. I have nothing to be proud of or something I could shout that I made it. Everything seems to happen all the time. I have no access at everything I want. It’s just repeating and repeating and those voices in my head won’t stop. 
I stood there, at the edge of the roof top, the wind touching my skin, because I felt this is the answer, and I couldn’t help it. My head is screaming! So much pain, that no one could even understand me, and I was delirious! I was about to jump until she held me, pulling me down and hit me in my head!
“Seriously dude! This is your answer!” she shouted! I was about to shout as well but as soon as I saw her I felt like I have nothing to say, I look away “You don’t have the right to stop me in whenever I do and who are you to shout at me, I don’t even know you!” I stood there again and she started screaming.

“Go ahead kill yourself! Jump! Is that the only thing you could do to dry those eyes! Your family might be so sad seeing you this way! If you have something to say, if you have troubles in your mind, say it! Death is not the answer! You’re just going to leave the people who care for you in depth sorrow with you leaving this way” She shut her eyes closed and her ears covered.
I stare at her with a face with what’s the matter with you if I end it today. She immediately looked at me “Don’t just stare at me let’s get inside its cold” She walked out on the door and looked back “What are you still standing there! Let’s go!”

I don’t know what happen but her voice made me follow her. “I am Amanda, and you are” she extended her hands for me to shake “I am Steve. Hello” I said in a monotonic way, she shook my hand and “Well nice to meet you Steve, I hope your stay in the hospital would be cool like mine, I am in Room 307. How about you?” she said smiling “I am Room 311”, “Ooooooh, 4 doors beside me! I gotta go, I still need to drink my meds!” she said as she walked and then went back again, she held my hand “If you need someone to talk to I am open 24/7 and please don’t do this again” she said while pointing the band aid in my wrist “See you Steve!”

I felt annoyed hearing her, what’s the matter with her. But as I could remember her she had so many dark spots all over her body, and her neck had a bandage on it and she was wearing a bonnet and she was so pale. I felt pity for her. She might be battling with her life. I went back in my room as I saw my mother peeling the apple for me, and my father reading the newspaper as if nothing happened. “Where have you been, your mother was looking for you” my father said with a low voice as he slowly fixed the newspaper. “I’ll be leaving, I’ll be back tomorrow noon” he just left without looking at me while my mom just shrugged her shoulders and gave me the apple.

I closed my eyes and wished everything just to end.

“Good morning!” her voice echoed in the whole room. I was sitting on my bed reading, my mother approached her with a smile on her face “Hello Ma’am! My name is Amanda” she said while Amanda’s mother shrugged “I am sorry for my daughter’s nuisance “Oh its okay! Where are you heading to?” my mom asked.

“I am going to have some fresh blood today” she said happily. “Oh, are you okay?” my mom asked “Yap! This cancer is no biggy! Have a good day ma’am!” she looked into my direction “I hope your okay now!” as she waved as if it’s the last.
My mom went closer to me “Who is she?”, “Just someone!” I said grumpily “She doesn’t look just someone” I took a deep breath and just went back to reading.
Every morning she would say hello and ask if I’m fine, she even leaves post it letters on my door just to cheer me up. She should take care of herself rather than thinking about me. I took a walk for while and there she is smiling at me. “Hello!” she waved at me. “Can I join you?” I looked at her grumpily “NO” she followed “Please”, “NO”, and she still followed “I said No” I shouted “Oopsie” she said as she moved back. I rolled my eyes and said “Okay, but please don’t be annoying” she smiled “Okay!”
We sat at the bench at the roof top, she was staring at the sky as she simply asked straight to the point “Why did you tried killing yourself?”
“I told you don’t be annoying”
“You know what, you’re not alone with your problems, you have your family to be with and…” before she finished “Please I told you don’t be annoying”, she still continued as if she didn’t hear me “You know God can hear your cries if only you can” I looked at her with anger she put down her head “I could be with you, I could listen to your thoughts so that….” I yelled at her once again “Shut up! Okay! What are you talking about! Are you really dumb and deaf! I told you to shut up right, God, really if he’s here he could not leave you that sick! I could be with you! What do you mean by that? You’re gonna die anyway! You listen to me, I don’t need your words, you don’t know what I am feeling, you don’t know how it rottens me so just go back to your life or maybe just die”
I walked away with so much anger, I covered my face, I was so mean, and how could I say those words to someone like her. She was so genuine with her feelings but I was there who listened once again to demons inside of me.

I went back to my room and closed my eyes with so much pain crumbling in my heart. It was so painful, there are so many words in my head, and “Please stop” I started screaming. My father came immediately to my rescue but I just keep crying and saying stop. I was banging my head, I was screaming, please let them stop. My mother immediately called the doctor to calm me. As I was trying to open my eyes, I saw her silhouette staring at me but I couldn’t help it until slowly I fall asleep.

I couldn’t remember what happened that day nor what I just did, I was so guilty, I went to visit Amanda’s room, and she wasn’t there but her mom fixing her bed. “Oh hello there Steve” her mom said very calmly, her eyes were so worn out from crying I guess. “Amanda is in ICU, she was found unconscious at the roof top the other day. She will be back tomorrow. You can visit her again” she smiled at me and went back fixing. “Thank you Ma’am. I am sorry”
I went to the ICU to check her out. There she is sleeping with tube in her mouth. She was breathing so helplessly as if she’s running for her life. It made my heart cringe for a moment; it was my fault that’s why she’s there. I left her. I don’t know why but tears fell in my eyes, without noticing it.

The next day she was there. She was smiling. I knock “Hello!” I said “I am going to leave you two alone. Take care of my daughter” her mom said. She looked at me and told me to sit by her bed. “Are you okay?” she nodded “I am sorry for what happened last time” she smiled, she tried to opened her mouth but the tube on her throat is stopping her. “It’s okay you don’t have too” I looked around her room it felt like it was so gloomy.

“I only have few weeks to live” she said as she smile again “Excuse me”, “They say that all the time but here I am alive and okay” she tried so hard to smile and laugh but it made a monster out me. “Why are you smiling? You’re going to die!? Are you that crazy” the curved on her mouth suddenly fades “What’s your problem, if you want to feel in pain, shout it, get it out on your chest! And if my smiling pains go, I really hope it did, because I am happy no matter what I am feeling, no matter if I am struggling. So If you don’t have anything good to say to me. Leave. And if you feel annoyed you should have not visited me.”

Her words are like knives into my chest I looked at her “I am sorry” l left without anything to say for myself. I was stupid, I was so sad, I wanted everyone to feel what I am feeling. I was saved but I didn’t care. I look at how sad my parents were when they saw me in pain. But all I care about was myself, how to end it, how to lose it.

I came to her room once again, I said sorry again. “What is it that you want to say? If you’re in pain, it’s okay, you’re not really alone in this battle. Don’t say that it’s only you, because if you look at everyone they are all struggling. But all of them are struggling their way back in there feet once again.” Her tears suddenly fall “I envy you, because you have the life I wanted. All my life, I was trapped into these walls, being so poor made me feel as if I don’t have anything that I could do to have it. In order for me to live I need money to pay for every bag of blood so that I can continue to breath. And there you were, it pains me how you want to finish your life so badly while I was struggling to have that breathe of life. It’s okay not to be okay, we’re humans, we’re fragile but that doesn’t mean it’s the end. He wouldn’t give it to us if we couldn’t handle it” she took a deep breath “Your family loves you, they wouldn’t be there for you if they don’t. Tell them your worries, let them understand it”

My tears suddenly fell as I listen to her words. “Oh come here little boy, you can cry on my shoulder” I hugged her. Yes I did, for a moment all my troubles seem to fade away. She sang if my love can be the cure by Lady Gaga and started laughing. “If I can’t find the cure, I’ll fix you with my love, and even if you say you’re okay I’m gonna heal you anyway, I promise I’ll be the cure” I wiped my tears and joined with her with her singing.

When I went back to my room, I looked at my mom and dad and told them “Thank you for still raising this stubborn child of yours, and I am sorry for making you guys worried.” My parents hugged me and started teasing me.

Every day, I would come to her room and read her stories; I started to come to our psychiatrist, he said being with Amanda feels like it’s therapeutic. We had her moments but she was still smiling all the way her pain, those few weeks become a month. She was so happy I could feel her vibe but that happiness is was so short as her doctors told her family to be ready because she wouldn’t make it for 3 days.

For the first time I saw her with so much pain she said “Momma, I don’t want to die yet, I have so many things I wanted to do, tell the doctors to heal me again, they always say that I couldn’t make it but why just 3 days can’t the extend it.” She held her mom’s hand as she pleaded “Momma, tell God to extend my life, let’s give more eggs, or lets give more money to the church so that they could pray for me” and her cries become louder “Momma, I am so scared”
My heart was liked hit a dozen of times, after for so many years, I knelt down before Him, “How could you take her happiness away that fast, she wanted to live for more” my tears went falling “I am praying to you, please just please let her live for more.” I was crying, I was pleading.

I wiped my tears away as I held her hand “I am praying for you to lead into a better life” I took a sigh why are you worrying about me, you should be praying for your life”, “Your getting grumpy again, I have lived the life that I wanted, He gave me so much extensions. It’s just that I met you this late” she looked at me “I want you to lead a better life, a person you could be proud of, no matter how many flaws you have because you are my best friend” I couldn’t help but to cry “Amanda”, “I know you’re going to be fine.  And if you tried killing yourself again I will haunt you and scare the shivers out of you”, “I promise”, “Pinky Swear”, “Pinky Swear!”, “I can feel it you’re going to be an inspiration!”
“Is there anything you want to do that you haven’t” I asked “Don’t laugh okay!”, “Okay!”, “I want to have my first kiss” and I laughed “You promised!” she said laughing “Really Amanda! Really! Your funny” I said “I know but…….” Before she could finish what she was about to say I kissed her.
She looked at me, I looked at her, and I kissed her again, and kiss her more and kissed her gently. After that we both started laughing. “So that’s what a kiss is” I said “It was no fun at all” she said “Really! That’s it” she said as I laughed at her.
“If I can't find the cure, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
No matter what you know, I'll
I'll fix you with my love
And if you say you're okay
I'm gonna heal you anyway
Promise I'll always be there
Promise I'll be the cure (be the cure)” and we both started singing.


She was right, I wouldn’t be in this position where I am sharing to you guys the angel that saved me. I thought I was alone, so I kept in myself but we need help. We should not be scared. You are not alone in this situation. If you’re feeling this kind of melancholy that you feel like there’s no one to save you, seek for help, ask it, because there will always be someone to be there for you to listen. Hold that hand that is willing to hold you.

Remember that you are precious. You are needed. You are important. And I will be here to listen.

Sharing this short story I wrote way way back in college. Just added some arrangements and added some Lady Gaga's song. If you have someone close to you who is suffering from depression do not hesitate to help them. And for my dear friends, seek for help, we are here to listen, you can call on their hotlines, don’t be afraid. 

#MentalAwareness


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